- on losing my mom -

jeni and i were chatting when she asked me if i looked like my mom ... i thought for a moment and i said something like this - "nde ata ... kamuka ko ata ang mama at papa ko ... ay ewan ko" .... and then i started describing my mom - "maputi kasi si mama e ... tas ang ilong nun, maliit ... tas kulot ang buhok ... baket nga ba nde ko nakuha ang kulay ng mama ko?" ... and then i started crying ...

utterly weird and surreal ...

my mom died almost 7 years ago ... 10 days shy of my ate mean's birthday ... 11 days shy of mine ... it was so sudden ...

i was in my first month in US ... doing tek supot ... while i was there, i call home almost every week ... i do it every friday - some time after i wrap-up my last call for the week ... for some reason, i felt calling on a wednesdi ... and for the first time, i wasn't able to reach anyone from my family ... i started to worry ... i asked my boypren at that time to help me reach my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, my brother-in-law .. anybody ... i later learned from him that they were all asked to go to our province ... no explanation given ... i started crying ... i don't know why but i just felt like crying ...

that night, i received a call from my bespren grace ... she gave me a number to call for my family ... no explanation given ... i just realized now, how come i didn't even suspect anything???

i woke up at around 5am tarsdi, US time ... i called the number ...

i need to digress a little .. at that time, nagpapa-kyut ako dito sa isang guy sa opis and a few weeks back, i sent an e-mail to my ate mean telling her all about it ...

going back, so i called ... ate mean answered ... she didn't talk much ... which was weird ... my ate mean and i ... we can talk about anything and we can talk for hours ... so that - was weird but silly me *or stupid me???* ... i still didn't have a clue! *what was up with that* ... she passed the phone to my dad who started scolding me about this guy from the office .. i thought, "pinatawag ako para pagalitan *kamot ulo*" ... and then he moved on to the next topic of our conversation ... tinanong ako ni papa, "anak kung ako ba o si mama ay mamamatay, uuwi ka?" ... i don't know if was so naive at that time or i was just a plain idiot - wala pa din akong idea ... nothing - absolutely nothing ... i thought for a while and i said, "pedeng nde ... may trabaho e" ... so si papa, he was making sounds na parang nag-a-agree telling me na "ok yan .. praktikal ka anak ... and then he said this line that i will never, ever forget - "kasi anak, ang mama mo, patay na" ... being the weird person that i am, i answered: "nde nga?" *ang tono ko nyan para akong nagsabi ng "talaga???" na parang nang-uurat lang yung kausap ko at gusto kong mag-confirm* ... i don't remember anymore what other things my dad told me ... what i do remember was i was talking and bawling and talking and bawling ... though not at the same time ... yup, i am weird ...

i still worked that day ... i fielded support calls to take my mind off things ... but every once in a while, i had to go offline to either cry silently while sitting there at my cube or to go to the restroom to pour my heart out ... i didn't want to depress the people around me ... that night, i went back to PH to see my mama one last time ...

looking back, i remember only bits and pieces ... about my trip back ... about the funeral ... i think the first thing that i did when i arrived at my aunt's house kung san nakaburol si mama was pumasok ako sa kuwarto, umupo ako sa floor at umiyak ... nilapitan ako ng ate ko tas ngumawa lang kami ... tas pumasok si papa sa kuwarto tas sabi nya sa akin," tignan mo si mama mo" ... something like that i think ...

i was telling jeni, it's funny how things like that happen ... it has been a while since i last thought of my mom that way ... i do think of her ... lalo na when i was having a lot of issues in my life ... iniisip ko - "sana andito ang mama ko" ... but today was different ... i actually looked back and thought of her ... yung muka nya ... yung mga duster na suot nya .. yung itsura nya habang nakaupo sha sa lamesa nya sa bahay, pag kumakain kami, pag nag-go-grocery kami ... lahat ...

i guess i just miss her ...